Return to Kilocaloria

Our supranational fears of an aging population may soon be alleviated if university cafeterias keep selling pretzels in which butter accounts for 120% of total weight. Just listen to the faint whistling of my blood as it hisses through the narrow openings left between the pretzel-induced layers of cholesterol that line the inside of my coronary arteries! How am I supposed to live to be a hundred? On the plus side, "Return to Kilocaloria" would make a great title for a series of fantasy novels to market to gullible obese kids.

Applecalypse

The end must verily be nigh when this retina-corroding image of a perchance not so healthy apple does not bring a befitting and dramatic four-line story to my mind in an instant. These past few days of hot weather and intensive studying must have drained my creative juices. Only a bite out of the malignant sphere in the picture can replenish them.

The Birds, the Seeds, the Wasps, and the Reeds

Several species currently nourish on what my balcony provides them. Birds voraciously devour the rolled oats and spelt I leave out for them because I am real philornithist. Wasps scratch fibers off the reed fencing with impressive diligence. And of course the Archduke of the Animal Kingdom, man, also eats his cereal out there every now and then.

Architasture for the Affluent

"Buy land, they're not making it anymore" (Mark Twain) and when you have land make the most of it. Wealthy landowners will favour a pro-stacking agenda when it comes to food. A suitable recipe is depicted above. The cucumber foundation provides stability, the herring makes for great insulation, and the carrot rafters support the vaulted wholemeal ceiling. True architasture!

Googlejump

This rare image shows a Gugelhupf still in its shell, shortly before emerging as a beautiful butterfly. "Gugelhupf" is an Austrian term. The English translation would be "Googlejump", but it is trademarked so only the truly ballsy may use it in their esssays. The Googlejump in question is of an aggressive breed, prone to throwing itself into the mouths of unsuspecting onlookers only to burrow deep into their intestines and spawn some muffins.

Banana Drama II

SPECIAL BULLETIN on the Banana Crisis Down Under
Many Australians cannot afford their daily dose of yellow fruit anymore. Tropical cyclone "Yasi" has destroyed most of this year's banana harvest. As high tariffs and trade barriers prevent Australians from importing the fruit from abroad, banana prices have more than quadrupled. The editorial cartoon/scientific graph above illustrates this complicated relationship in the form of a starving Aussie at an empty table being choked to death by the Ghost of Bananas Past with the last remaining banana.

Banana Drama

Australia is in turmoil. Tropical cyclone Yasi and severe trade restrictions have joined forces to cut off the continent's banana supply. A kilo of crooked yellow diamonds now costs more than 15 euros, resulting in CCTV monitoring of supermarkets and armed militias guarding the few remaining plantations. Luckily, in Europe bananas are still cheap enough to be used as paper substitutes and subsequently thrown away uneaten.

ADDENDUM: I took my get rich quick banana to work with me today. The money it rests on is about what I make in a month.