Return to Kilocaloria

Our supranational fears of an aging population may soon be alleviated if university cafeterias keep selling pretzels in which butter accounts for 120% of total weight. Just listen to the faint whistling of my blood as it hisses through the narrow openings left between the pretzel-induced layers of cholesterol that line the inside of my coronary arteries! How am I supposed to live to be a hundred? On the plus side, "Return to Kilocaloria" would make a great title for a series of fantasy novels to market to gullible obese kids.

Applecalypse

The end must verily be nigh when this retina-corroding image of a perchance not so healthy apple does not bring a befitting and dramatic four-line story to my mind in an instant. These past few days of hot weather and intensive studying must have drained my creative juices. Only a bite out of the malignant sphere in the picture can replenish them.

The Birds, the Seeds, the Wasps, and the Reeds

Several species currently nourish on what my balcony provides them. Birds voraciously devour the rolled oats and spelt I leave out for them because I am real philornithist. Wasps scratch fibers off the reed fencing with impressive diligence. And of course the Archduke of the Animal Kingdom, man, also eats his cereal out there every now and then.

Architasture for the Affluent

"Buy land, they're not making it anymore" (Mark Twain) and when you have land make the most of it. Wealthy landowners will favour a pro-stacking agenda when it comes to food. A suitable recipe is depicted above. The cucumber foundation provides stability, the herring makes for great insulation, and the carrot rafters support the vaulted wholemeal ceiling. True architasture!

Googlejump

This rare image shows a Gugelhupf still in its shell, shortly before emerging as a beautiful butterfly. "Gugelhupf" is an Austrian term. The English translation would be "Googlejump", but it is trademarked so only the truly ballsy may use it in their esssays. The Googlejump in question is of an aggressive breed, prone to throwing itself into the mouths of unsuspecting onlookers only to burrow deep into their intestines and spawn some muffins.

Banana Drama II

SPECIAL BULLETIN on the Banana Crisis Down Under
Many Australians cannot afford their daily dose of yellow fruit anymore. Tropical cyclone "Yasi" has destroyed most of this year's banana harvest. As high tariffs and trade barriers prevent Australians from importing the fruit from abroad, banana prices have more than quadrupled. The editorial cartoon/scientific graph above illustrates this complicated relationship in the form of a starving Aussie at an empty table being choked to death by the Ghost of Bananas Past with the last remaining banana.

Banana Drama

Australia is in turmoil. Tropical cyclone Yasi and severe trade restrictions have joined forces to cut off the continent's banana supply. A kilo of crooked yellow diamonds now costs more than 15 euros, resulting in CCTV monitoring of supermarkets and armed militias guarding the few remaining plantations. Luckily, in Europe bananas are still cheap enough to be used as paper substitutes and subsequently thrown away uneaten.

ADDENDUM: I took my get rich quick banana to work with me today. The money it rests on is about what I make in a month.

Partial Ecplise of the Pretzel

Some images are of stunning beauty to the beholder. Others are of stunning beauty only to a select few. In this case I doubt you are able to fully appreciate the stunning beauty of this pretzel unless you are about to bury your teeth in it after having eaten nothing but half a biscuit by 11 AM. Life is tough, but sometimes you have a pretzel.

Still Life with Calories

A bowl of Tom Ka Gai soup, some Asian-style goulash, a couple of lychees in honey and a brownie constituted today's lunch for me. Often people look at my meager frame and ask the same annoying question: "Where does all the stuff you eat go?" Well, why don't you climb down my esophagus and find out, Dora the Explorer?

Angry Cake

This cake is clearly angry. Perhaps in anticipation of its impending extermination, perhaps over its truly outrageous price of CHF 2.50. Or perhaps because nerds out there keep insinuating that "The cake is a lie". Nitwits! It's right there on the plate. Or at least it was...

Mensalibur

The gravy and mash at the "Mensa"
Has acquired historical fame
A culinary abomination
And a nutritional zero-sum game.
But a fork is stuck in the middle
And according to ancient lore
He who can pull it from tallow
For his meals he shall pay nevermore.
I ripped the fork from the mire
I ripped it to freedom but still
The demons that work in the "Mensa"
Insist on me paying my bill!

Sour Crowd

It is 5:30 in the afternoon and I am contemplating whether or not to head to the university cafteria for a cheap dinner of vegetarian Stroganoff, whatever that is. I have decided to "crowdsource" this tough decision based on the Web 2.0 logic that asking a bunch of nimrods produces better results than consulting with just one. Although not highly, your contribution is still appreciated!

ADDENDUM: The people have spoken (see comment!) and I have heard their call (see next entry!).

A Classy Alternative to Dinner

Don't believe Big Fruit. Alcohol, sugar and online pornography are a perfect substitute for all those vitamins the appletree huggers out there want to inject you with. If you are still a skeptic, you can take a leaf out of my book and balance your laptop on a pharmacology textbook. Bonus: a decreased risk of staining the keyboard with bodily fluids. Such as saliva!

Coffeebreak Carnage

Meat is very expensive in Switzerland, so at times you are forced to draw your own. Of course you do not HAVE to draw yourself up a nice set of human steaks and kidneys wrapped in juicy skin like I did, but then again the PC crowd does not have its spies on my desk yet. Why not make use of the occasion? It's just like those steaks are served best: rare.

Fire in the Hole

Look out, dental clinic of the University of Zurich, there's a wrecking-ball-sized apple heading towards you!!! Kids, your parents do not want you to play with your food. Better leave it out for me to play with! Or maybe not. I have a vocation for abusing fruit.