Spillage in the Village

I don't get why people are so crazy about living by a lake. In the village of Zurich an apartment within walking distance of the shallow duckpond dubbed Lake Zurich will cost you your life savings and a kidney - per month. Also, the landlord gets to do your wife.

Well, I was working by a lake today and I learned several things:
1) Don't spill your tea with milk on your desk.
2) If you rinse your keyboard several keys will produce characters significantly different from the ones they were originally assigned.

"Life is full of little surprises. So are public toilets."
(Paulo Coelho)

Egging On, Offing Eggs

There has been a throbbing pain in my skull for the better part of the day. Someone must have stood on my head while I was asleep. Apparently yesterday's bottle of red made me let my guard down. Luckily, the fridge boasts an assortment of natural pain killers, courtesy of Big Chicken. The egg in question was hatched by a happy albeit somewhat plain hen in a quality Swiss poultry reactor and could have become Protein Czar had I not consumed it. The guilt! The horrible guilt!

Dressiness by the Sinkful

What is sexy to you? Two oiled-up negresses mud-wrestling for the right to do your laundry? Casual racism and chauvinistic antics by anonymous assholes? The smug feeling of imaginary superiority that comes with breaching social norms in the safe haven for bigots and devious milquetoasts that is the internet? Potentially. What certainly does not qualify as sexy is having to do your laundry in your bathroom sink due to a broken shared washing machine. On the plus side, adding a wooden spoon makes the greyish broth seem like some goulash-cannon born chowder to feed and disgust the troops. Up and at 'em, boys!

Sticks and Stones and Avocados

I have had to take a lot of criticism for my recent remarks on the matchmaking going on around Swiss fresh meat sections (which I am linking to here even though they can be found right beneath this post). I have been called an ingrate, a xenophobe, a right-wing ideologist, a child prostitute, a hypocrite, a cultural icon, an ingrate again, a curry-flavoured cashew nut, a whoremonger, and a pink rubber spatula.

But I stand by my words which - as far as I remember - were: A country that lags behind by two world wars should cut back on the grand air. If Austria had not gone through the meat grinder twice, we would have flying cars by now. Trust me! Switzerland, either get your war count up to the continent minimum or choke on your omnipresent avocados - the fruit of choice for Swiss professionals because its name sounds like "lawyer" en Español.

Meet Your Mate Over Meat

With meat as virtually unaffordable as it is in Switzerland, only the fact that the locals' flesh appears to be laced with anesthetics is keeping cannibalism at bay. The picture above shows Swiss people circling a Zurich supermarket's fresh meat section like vultures on a Saturday evening seconds after the prices of expiring products have been slashed by 50 percent. Interestingly, the prospect of bargain beef makes the Swiss overcome their innate fear of human contact in any form. With this in mind it is hardly surprising that the beginnings of an estimated 20 percent of Swiss relationships can be traced back to fresh meat sections at supermarkets. The remaining 80 percent have their origins on online dating platforms such as Swissfriends.ch where Swiss males can contact Swiss women without having to look at them, as in Switzerland looking at a woman is considered rape.

There's Something About Breakfast

There's something about breakfast which makes the whole meal a little depressing. Is it the dirty dishes trying to attract swamp lilies in the sink? Is it the blood-like speck of tomato sauce that hasn't yet made it down the drain? Is it the empty can which I will have to carry for two miles to the closest recycling station? Perhaps. But maybe it's just the time at which this particular breakfast is being served. 11:15. The day is halfway over. The cycle of nourishment, eternally lagging behind, has just begun.

Free Sausage! Free Innuendo-free Sausage!

What was your biggest accomplishment in life? Did M. Night Shyamalan respond favorably to your screenplay about a hot dog tormented by the ghosts of the pigs from whose ground anuses it was made? Did you sail the Seven Seas on a tankship full of your own urine? Did you lose 50 pounds by thinking of pig anuses and tankfuls of urine everytime hunger overcame you? Fair enough. But unless you got a free (in capitals: FREE) sausage in Zurich better stay at home and work on that cargo. You read correctly: we obtained the sausages depicted above completely free of charge. I'll tell you how. But it's going to cost you.