Dressiness by the Sinkful

What is sexy to you? Two oiled-up negresses mud-wrestling for the right to do your laundry? Casual racism and chauvinistic antics by anonymous assholes? The smug feeling of imaginary superiority that comes with breaching social norms in the safe haven for bigots and devious milquetoasts that is the internet? Potentially. What certainly does not qualify as sexy is having to do your laundry in your bathroom sink due to a broken shared washing machine. On the plus side, adding a wooden spoon makes the greyish broth seem like some goulash-cannon born chowder to feed and disgust the troops. Up and at 'em, boys!

Sticks and Stones and Avocados

I have had to take a lot of criticism for my recent remarks on the matchmaking going on around Swiss fresh meat sections (which I am linking to here even though they can be found right beneath this post). I have been called an ingrate, a xenophobe, a right-wing ideologist, a child prostitute, a hypocrite, a cultural icon, an ingrate again, a curry-flavoured cashew nut, a whoremonger, and a pink rubber spatula.

But I stand by my words which - as far as I remember - were: A country that lags behind by two world wars should cut back on the grand air. If Austria had not gone through the meat grinder twice, we would have flying cars by now. Trust me! Switzerland, either get your war count up to the continent minimum or choke on your omnipresent avocados - the fruit of choice for Swiss professionals because its name sounds like "lawyer" en Español.

Meet Your Mate Over Meat

With meat as virtually unaffordable as it is in Switzerland, only the fact that the locals' flesh appears to be laced with anesthetics is keeping cannibalism at bay. The picture above shows Swiss people circling a Zurich supermarket's fresh meat section like vultures on a Saturday evening seconds after the prices of expiring products have been slashed by 50 percent. Interestingly, the prospect of bargain beef makes the Swiss overcome their innate fear of human contact in any form. With this in mind it is hardly surprising that the beginnings of an estimated 20 percent of Swiss relationships can be traced back to fresh meat sections at supermarkets. The remaining 80 percent have their origins on online dating platforms such as Swissfriends.ch where Swiss males can contact Swiss women without having to look at them, as in Switzerland looking at a woman is considered rape.

There's Something About Breakfast

There's something about breakfast which makes the whole meal a little depressing. Is it the dirty dishes trying to attract swamp lilies in the sink? Is it the blood-like speck of tomato sauce that hasn't yet made it down the drain? Is it the empty can which I will have to carry for two miles to the closest recycling station? Perhaps. But maybe it's just the time at which this particular breakfast is being served. 11:15. The day is halfway over. The cycle of nourishment, eternally lagging behind, has just begun.

Free Sausage! Free Innuendo-free Sausage!

What was your biggest accomplishment in life? Did M. Night Shyamalan respond favorably to your screenplay about a hot dog tormented by the ghosts of the pigs from whose ground anuses it was made? Did you sail the Seven Seas on a tankship full of your own urine? Did you lose 50 pounds by thinking of pig anuses and tankfuls of urine everytime hunger overcame you? Fair enough. But unless you got a free (in capitals: FREE) sausage in Zurich better stay at home and work on that cargo. You read correctly: we obtained the sausages depicted above completely free of charge. I'll tell you how. But it's going to cost you.

Hate the Poacher Not the Egg

Guests are like herpes. You don't remember how you ended up with them, but once you do you are stuck with them for much longer than you thought. On the plus side, guests will occasionally cook for you. Herpes will not. Presented for your viewing pleasure: the first poached eggs of my life as prepared by Cody E. Livingstone, Esq. Our inspiration: a video by Estonian gourmet chef Tanel Koppel. For detailed instructions on the egg-poaching procedure, however, we relied on another video by an overweight yet talented US housewife. Afer all none of us understands Estonian all that well. An armada of side dishes - herring, bread, cheese, and tomatoes - completed the feast. Why? Because herring, bread, cheese, and tomatoes are cheap. And so am I!

From Dusk Till Dawn

Beverages are like vague threats: society would crumble without them. In the picture we see two beverages that have become of special importance to me. My Lithuanian vodka helps me sleep much like my teddy bear did until a year ago. The horribly overpriced Nescafé on the right reverses the vodka's soothing effect and gets me ready for yet another soul-crushing day in the trenches. These liquids are my Yin and Yang. My fish and chips. My Trinidad and Tobago.

The Golem: Onions to Onions, Meat to Meat

Updates have been scarce over the last few weeks, which has led ill-informed insiders to conjecture that I have not eaten anything. My physique may warrant the claim, but the truth is once again a tad more sinister: I have been subsisting on portions greatly reduced in size to set aside enough meat and vegetables for my most horrifying project yet: the Golem (or the New Promeateus). Nothing left to do now except blow some life into it and terrorize a village.

Glum Gum

Life grinds your dreams between its molars until they have lost all flavour then spits them out into a puddle of cold wet grey. As soon as I have found a depressing analogy for the neon tube and the speckled wood spitting a piece of gum onto my desk will seem almost justifiable in retrospect. Is the liquid you see my own saliva? Mystery continues to shroud the answer.

Caterpillar of the Food Pyramid

The table is set for a filling lunch of grilled meat. Salads, bread, mustard... everything is ready. Except for the roast which is still sitting on its chair and has not even been skinned yet! It is arguably a fat piece of meat and might need more than an hour on the grill so we should get some hors d'oeuvres first. I hear the ears taste great fried in olive oil.

Return to Kilocaloria

Our supranational fears of an aging population may soon be alleviated if university cafeterias keep selling pretzels in which butter accounts for 120% of total weight. Just listen to the faint whistling of my blood as it hisses through the narrow openings left between the pretzel-induced layers of cholesterol that line the inside of my coronary arteries! How am I supposed to live to be a hundred? On the plus side, "Return to Kilocaloria" would make a great title for a series of fantasy novels to market to gullible obese kids.

Applecalypse

The end must verily be nigh when this retina-corroding image of a perchance not so healthy apple does not bring a befitting and dramatic four-line story to my mind in an instant. These past few days of hot weather and intensive studying must have drained my creative juices. Only a bite out of the malignant sphere in the picture can replenish them.

The Birds, the Seeds, the Wasps, and the Reeds

Several species currently nourish on what my balcony provides them. Birds voraciously devour the rolled oats and spelt I leave out for them because I am real philornithist. Wasps scratch fibers off the reed fencing with impressive diligence. And of course the Archduke of the Animal Kingdom, man, also eats his cereal out there every now and then.

Architasture for the Affluent

"Buy land, they're not making it anymore" (Mark Twain) and when you have land make the most of it. Wealthy landowners will favour a pro-stacking agenda when it comes to food. A suitable recipe is depicted above. The cucumber foundation provides stability, the herring makes for great insulation, and the carrot rafters support the vaulted wholemeal ceiling. True architasture!

Googlejump

This rare image shows a Gugelhupf still in its shell, shortly before emerging as a beautiful butterfly. "Gugelhupf" is an Austrian term. The English translation would be "Googlejump", but it is trademarked so only the truly ballsy may use it in their esssays. The Googlejump in question is of an aggressive breed, prone to throwing itself into the mouths of unsuspecting onlookers only to burrow deep into their intestines and spawn some muffins.

Banana Drama II

SPECIAL BULLETIN on the Banana Crisis Down Under
Many Australians cannot afford their daily dose of yellow fruit anymore. Tropical cyclone "Yasi" has destroyed most of this year's banana harvest. As high tariffs and trade barriers prevent Australians from importing the fruit from abroad, banana prices have more than quadrupled. The editorial cartoon/scientific graph above illustrates this complicated relationship in the form of a starving Aussie at an empty table being choked to death by the Ghost of Bananas Past with the last remaining banana.

Banana Drama

Australia is in turmoil. Tropical cyclone Yasi and severe trade restrictions have joined forces to cut off the continent's banana supply. A kilo of crooked yellow diamonds now costs more than 15 euros, resulting in CCTV monitoring of supermarkets and armed militias guarding the few remaining plantations. Luckily, in Europe bananas are still cheap enough to be used as paper substitutes and subsequently thrown away uneaten.

ADDENDUM: I took my get rich quick banana to work with me today. The money it rests on is about what I make in a month.

Partial Ecplise of the Pretzel

Some images are of stunning beauty to the beholder. Others are of stunning beauty only to a select few. In this case I doubt you are able to fully appreciate the stunning beauty of this pretzel unless you are about to bury your teeth in it after having eaten nothing but half a biscuit by 11 AM. Life is tough, but sometimes you have a pretzel.

Still Life with Calories

A bowl of Tom Ka Gai soup, some Asian-style goulash, a couple of lychees in honey and a brownie constituted today's lunch for me. Often people look at my meager frame and ask the same annoying question: "Where does all the stuff you eat go?" Well, why don't you climb down my esophagus and find out, Dora the Explorer?

Angry Cake

This cake is clearly angry. Perhaps in anticipation of its impending extermination, perhaps over its truly outrageous price of CHF 2.50. Or perhaps because nerds out there keep insinuating that "The cake is a lie". Nitwits! It's right there on the plate. Or at least it was...

Mensalibur

The gravy and mash at the "Mensa"
Has acquired historical fame
A culinary abomination
And a nutritional zero-sum game.
But a fork is stuck in the middle
And according to ancient lore
He who can pull it from tallow
For his meals he shall pay nevermore.
I ripped the fork from the mire
I ripped it to freedom but still
The demons that work in the "Mensa"
Insist on me paying my bill!

Sour Crowd

It is 5:30 in the afternoon and I am contemplating whether or not to head to the university cafteria for a cheap dinner of vegetarian Stroganoff, whatever that is. I have decided to "crowdsource" this tough decision based on the Web 2.0 logic that asking a bunch of nimrods produces better results than consulting with just one. Although not highly, your contribution is still appreciated!

ADDENDUM: The people have spoken (see comment!) and I have heard their call (see next entry!).

A Classy Alternative to Dinner

Don't believe Big Fruit. Alcohol, sugar and online pornography are a perfect substitute for all those vitamins the appletree huggers out there want to inject you with. If you are still a skeptic, you can take a leaf out of my book and balance your laptop on a pharmacology textbook. Bonus: a decreased risk of staining the keyboard with bodily fluids. Such as saliva!

Coffeebreak Carnage

Meat is very expensive in Switzerland, so at times you are forced to draw your own. Of course you do not HAVE to draw yourself up a nice set of human steaks and kidneys wrapped in juicy skin like I did, but then again the PC crowd does not have its spies on my desk yet. Why not make use of the occasion? It's just like those steaks are served best: rare.

Fire in the Hole

Look out, dental clinic of the University of Zurich, there's a wrecking-ball-sized apple heading towards you!!! Kids, your parents do not want you to play with your food. Better leave it out for me to play with! Or maybe not. I have a vocation for abusing fruit.

Pillsbury Doughboy

As Zager and Evans so prophetically sang in 1969: "Everything you think, do, and say, is in the pill you took today." Judging from my breakfast I had quite a full day ahead of me. If I said something offensive, it was probably one of the pills talking. The colourful one keeps me from bashing my head in with an econometrics textbook.

Snow White and the Seven Dumplings

Battling and loudly complaining about an inflammation of a salivary gland, I lost what little colour I had managed to gain under Zurich's april sun and became almost translucent over the holidays. On Easter Monday I finally took retaliatory action and devoured a total of seven smoked ham dumplings over the course of the day leaving only one meagre dumpling to be sacrificed to Fertilicius, the god of compost.

The Yellow Resurrection

Christ's return from the grave is too important an event to shoot purely in monochrome. The Gatterer family celebrated Easter Sunday with an assortment of coloured eggs and brand name products from Lindt chocolate easter bunnies to Schärdinger cream even though - despite his being stabbed with a spear, burnt with gall and vinegar, and ultimately crucified - there are no accounts of Jesus being branded.

Three Cups

I did not take pictures of the last few meals I had as I was fighting Sialoadenitis Glandulae Submandibularis. From what I understand it is some sort of face AIDS that only befalls really attractive people. At any rate, as a substitute I took a picture of the cup of tea I just had, but without the actual tea. Moreover I could not recall which cup was mine so I had to include all three used cups in the shot. Isn't this all a huge letdown? Splendid!

An Inhuman Dish

When you get up at 1:15 p.m. on a workday, you might as well have lunch at home. I already felt like a bum anyway, so I did not even care to ladle my leftover pasta on a plate. Eating directly from the pot can have a special allure. Granted, after the first spoonfuls you start feeling more like a pig than a bum, but pigs, bums, and humans are all very much alike anatomically anyway. Did I just dehumanize bums? Don't tell the NGOs about this!

Anti-Catholic Aggression in a Bowl

Coop has apparently discontinued its line of overpriced lemon-flavoured pasta, forcing me to prepare this springtime-conform pasta dish with overpriced Strozzapreti ("priest strangler") noodles instead. The result, heavily seasoned with paprika, was alright nonetheless. I even managed to pull the vegetables off the hearth before they turned into a uniform mush.

Culinaria ETHsiana (II)

Another quality Asian-style lunch on Clausiusstrasse, including fried bananas for dessert. Actually, more like two fried pieces of a banana, but what can you expect for CHF 2,80? I read in the papers that Switzerland is about to experience a water shortage due to insufficient rainfall, so I decided to take two glasses of precious H2O. Why leave the last drop to a Swiss?

Fig Leaf Apple

Nothing like a healthy afternoon snack to prolong post-lunch inertia until it is time to go home. While the coffee is ready for sipping, the chocolate croissant is still in its protective cover. I have concealed the logo of the abominably expensive deli where I bought the croissant with a portrait of Donald Trump to make one thing explicit: No free publicity here!

Culinaria ETHsiana (I)

This first image in a potentially very long series of meals served in the ETH Zurich's "Asian Mensa": a vegetarian dish called "Laos". The take-away: while Laos is poor and underdeveloped, they can still afford to douse their cuisine with bizarre amounts of soy sauce. It might be a way of fending off the hordes of Western backpackers out to "find themselves" there. I found myself very thirsty afterwards.

A Bowl of Fruit

I had to make peace with my stomach after waging war on it with the Sandwich of the Gods. That is why I treated myself to this fruit salad at eleven in the evening. The strawberries tasted like battery acid, the orange like lead paint, and the apple like burnt styrofoam. The banana was good though.

Sandwich of the Gods

Carrying this tasty blasphemy from the kitchen I felt like Moses coming down the mountain with the ten commandments. The Lord of all snacks consisted of an entire loaf of white bread, two kinds of melted cheese, fried chicken, fried beans, pickled red peppers, and some ketchup. The chicken came in the form of "mini chicken breasts", which were hocked dirt cheap at Migros, presumably because they stem from the more typhoid animals. On the minus side stands God's wrath in the form of stomach troubles for the remainder of His holy day.

Preliminary

Follow Walter's picaresque journey into culimaginaria as he supplies you with pictures of the exciting meals he consumes day by day. Share the stunning visual experience of nutrition, from glinting white rice to milk-soaked oatmeals, and comment on your favourite lunches, dinners, and snacks. Join Walter as he climbs the culinary peaks of his Grandma's cooking and ventures into the abysses of Swiss mensa food.

Finally, help Walter build the global credibility that he can one day profitably whore out to Nestlé and Unilever in an effort to shift towards a more caviar-heavy diet. In this spirit: Bon appétit!

Postscript: "Devoranda" is Latin for "What must be devoured". Arguably "Devorata", i.e. "What has been devoured", would have been a more suitable name, but it was taken already. Sink or swim. But don't swim after lunch!