Productivity Enhancer

Hot enough for me? Tell me about it! My concrete coffin of an office has turned into a damp, intemperately fervid exclave of Saharan rainforest. When I so much as turn my gaze, I break out in sweat. Even sleeping with my head upon the keyboard borders on physical exercise. Luckily, the well-cooled remnants of a recent employee shindig still populate the nether regions of the department fridge. Fermented hops really gets my creative juices flowing, as this first post in more than a century demonstrates. Alas, the steady flow of creative juices also strains my bladder, leading to an unwelcome short-cutting of this pompous oeuvre for the benefit of a post-haste one-on-one with the nearest sanitary facility.

Spillage in the Village

I don't get why people are so crazy about living by a lake. In the village of Zurich an apartment within walking distance of the shallow duckpond dubbed Lake Zurich will cost you your life savings and a kidney - per month. Also, the landlord gets to do your wife.

Well, I was working by a lake today and I learned several things:
1) Don't spill your tea with milk on your desk.
2) If you rinse your keyboard several keys will produce characters significantly different from the ones they were originally assigned.

"Life is full of little surprises. So are public toilets."
(Paulo Coelho)

Egging On, Offing Eggs

There has been a throbbing pain in my skull for the better part of the day. Someone must have stood on my head while I was asleep. Apparently yesterday's bottle of red made me let my guard down. Luckily, the fridge boasts an assortment of natural pain killers, courtesy of Big Chicken. The egg in question was hatched by a happy albeit somewhat plain hen in a quality Swiss poultry reactor and could have become Protein Czar had I not consumed it. The guilt! The horrible guilt!

Dressiness by the Sinkful

What is sexy to you? Two oiled-up negresses mud-wrestling for the right to do your laundry? Casual racism and chauvinistic antics by anonymous assholes? The smug feeling of imaginary superiority that comes with breaching social norms in the safe haven for bigots and devious milquetoasts that is the internet? Potentially. What certainly does not qualify as sexy is having to do your laundry in your bathroom sink due to a broken shared washing machine. On the plus side, adding a wooden spoon makes the greyish broth seem like some goulash-cannon born chowder to feed and disgust the troops. Up and at 'em, boys!

Sticks and Stones and Avocados

I have had to take a lot of criticism for my recent remarks on the matchmaking going on around Swiss fresh meat sections (which I am linking to here even though they can be found right beneath this post). I have been called an ingrate, a xenophobe, a right-wing ideologist, a child prostitute, a hypocrite, a cultural icon, an ingrate again, a curry-flavoured cashew nut, a whoremonger, and a pink rubber spatula.

But I stand by my words which - as far as I remember - were: A country that lags behind by two world wars should cut back on the grand air. If Austria had not gone through the meat grinder twice, we would have flying cars by now. Trust me! Switzerland, either get your war count up to the continent minimum or choke on your omnipresent avocados - the fruit of choice for Swiss professionals because its name sounds like "lawyer" en Español.

Meet Your Mate Over Meat

With meat as virtually unaffordable as it is in Switzerland, only the fact that the locals' flesh appears to be laced with anesthetics is keeping cannibalism at bay. The picture above shows Swiss people circling a Zurich supermarket's fresh meat section like vultures on a Saturday evening seconds after the prices of expiring products have been slashed by 50 percent. Interestingly, the prospect of bargain beef makes the Swiss overcome their innate fear of human contact in any form. With this in mind it is hardly surprising that the beginnings of an estimated 20 percent of Swiss relationships can be traced back to fresh meat sections at supermarkets. The remaining 80 percent have their origins on online dating platforms such as Swissfriends.ch where Swiss males can contact Swiss women without having to look at them, as in Switzerland looking at a woman is considered rape.

There's Something About Breakfast

There's something about breakfast which makes the whole meal a little depressing. Is it the dirty dishes trying to attract swamp lilies in the sink? Is it the blood-like speck of tomato sauce that hasn't yet made it down the drain? Is it the empty can which I will have to carry for two miles to the closest recycling station? Perhaps. But maybe it's just the time at which this particular breakfast is being served. 11:15. The day is halfway over. The cycle of nourishment, eternally lagging behind, has just begun.

Free Sausage! Free Innuendo-free Sausage!

What was your biggest accomplishment in life? Did M. Night Shyamalan respond favorably to your screenplay about a hot dog tormented by the ghosts of the pigs from whose ground anuses it was made? Did you sail the Seven Seas on a tankship full of your own urine? Did you lose 50 pounds by thinking of pig anuses and tankfuls of urine everytime hunger overcame you? Fair enough. But unless you got a free (in capitals: FREE) sausage in Zurich better stay at home and work on that cargo. You read correctly: we obtained the sausages depicted above completely free of charge. I'll tell you how. But it's going to cost you.

Hate the Poacher Not the Egg

Guests are like herpes. You don't remember how you ended up with them, but once you do you are stuck with them for much longer than you thought. On the plus side, guests will occasionally cook for you. Herpes will not. Presented for your viewing pleasure: the first poached eggs of my life as prepared by Cody E. Livingstone, Esq. Our inspiration: a video by Estonian gourmet chef Tanel Koppel. For detailed instructions on the egg-poaching procedure, however, we relied on another video by an overweight yet talented US housewife. Afer all none of us understands Estonian all that well. An armada of side dishes - herring, bread, cheese, and tomatoes - completed the feast. Why? Because herring, bread, cheese, and tomatoes are cheap. And so am I!

From Dusk Till Dawn

Beverages are like vague threats: society would crumble without them. In the picture we see two beverages that have become of special importance to me. My Lithuanian vodka helps me sleep much like my teddy bear did until a year ago. The horribly overpriced Nescafé on the right reverses the vodka's soothing effect and gets me ready for yet another soul-crushing day in the trenches. These liquids are my Yin and Yang. My fish and chips. My Trinidad and Tobago.

The Golem: Onions to Onions, Meat to Meat

Updates have been scarce over the last few weeks, which has led ill-informed insiders to conjecture that I have not eaten anything. My physique may warrant the claim, but the truth is once again a tad more sinister: I have been subsisting on portions greatly reduced in size to set aside enough meat and vegetables for my most horrifying project yet: the Golem (or the New Promeateus). Nothing left to do now except blow some life into it and terrorize a village.

Glum Gum

Life grinds your dreams between its molars until they have lost all flavour then spits them out into a puddle of cold wet grey. As soon as I have found a depressing analogy for the neon tube and the speckled wood spitting a piece of gum onto my desk will seem almost justifiable in retrospect. Is the liquid you see my own saliva? Mystery continues to shroud the answer.

Caterpillar of the Food Pyramid

The table is set for a filling lunch of grilled meat. Salads, bread, mustard... everything is ready. Except for the roast which is still sitting on its chair and has not even been skinned yet! It is arguably a fat piece of meat and might need more than an hour on the grill so we should get some hors d'oeuvres first. I hear the ears taste great fried in olive oil.

Return to Kilocaloria

Our supranational fears of an aging population may soon be alleviated if university cafeterias keep selling pretzels in which butter accounts for 120% of total weight. Just listen to the faint whistling of my blood as it hisses through the narrow openings left between the pretzel-induced layers of cholesterol that line the inside of my coronary arteries! How am I supposed to live to be a hundred? On the plus side, "Return to Kilocaloria" would make a great title for a series of fantasy novels to market to gullible obese kids.

Applecalypse

The end must verily be nigh when this retina-corroding image of a perchance not so healthy apple does not bring a befitting and dramatic four-line story to my mind in an instant. These past few days of hot weather and intensive studying must have drained my creative juices. Only a bite out of the malignant sphere in the picture can replenish them.

The Birds, the Seeds, the Wasps, and the Reeds

Several species currently nourish on what my balcony provides them. Birds voraciously devour the rolled oats and spelt I leave out for them because I am real philornithist. Wasps scratch fibers off the reed fencing with impressive diligence. And of course the Archduke of the Animal Kingdom, man, also eats his cereal out there every now and then.

Architasture for the Affluent

"Buy land, they're not making it anymore" (Mark Twain) and when you have land make the most of it. Wealthy landowners will favour a pro-stacking agenda when it comes to food. A suitable recipe is depicted above. The cucumber foundation provides stability, the herring makes for great insulation, and the carrot rafters support the vaulted wholemeal ceiling. True architasture!

Googlejump

This rare image shows a Gugelhupf still in its shell, shortly before emerging as a beautiful butterfly. "Gugelhupf" is an Austrian term. The English translation would be "Googlejump", but it is trademarked so only the truly ballsy may use it in their esssays. The Googlejump in question is of an aggressive breed, prone to throwing itself into the mouths of unsuspecting onlookers only to burrow deep into their intestines and spawn some muffins.

Banana Drama II

SPECIAL BULLETIN on the Banana Crisis Down Under
Many Australians cannot afford their daily dose of yellow fruit anymore. Tropical cyclone "Yasi" has destroyed most of this year's banana harvest. As high tariffs and trade barriers prevent Australians from importing the fruit from abroad, banana prices have more than quadrupled. The editorial cartoon/scientific graph above illustrates this complicated relationship in the form of a starving Aussie at an empty table being choked to death by the Ghost of Bananas Past with the last remaining banana.

Banana Drama

Australia is in turmoil. Tropical cyclone Yasi and severe trade restrictions have joined forces to cut off the continent's banana supply. A kilo of crooked yellow diamonds now costs more than 15 euros, resulting in CCTV monitoring of supermarkets and armed militias guarding the few remaining plantations. Luckily, in Europe bananas are still cheap enough to be used as paper substitutes and subsequently thrown away uneaten.

ADDENDUM: I took my get rich quick banana to work with me today. The money it rests on is about what I make in a month.